…

“Tearing me apart
With words you wouldn’t say
Suddenly tomorrow’s
Moment washed away
‘Cause I don’t have a reason
And you don’t have the time
We both keep on waiting
For something we won’t find

The light on the horizon
Was brighter yesterday
Shadows floating over
Skies begin to fade
You said it was forever
But then it slipped away
Standing at the end of
The final masquerade”

-“Final Masquerade” by Linkin Park

Note to Self # 3: Claustrophilia

I am a claustrophile. Yes, you read that right, claustrophile. If you would ask my trusty friend, Wikipedia, a claustrophile is a person that is claustrophilic (duh) or someone who loves closed-in spaces. Most people I know are claustrophobic, the total opposite of my condition. To be honest, I’m not as comfortable in wide spaces as compared to closed spaces and right now, in my gigantic room (well my whole flat is my room right now so…) im not as comfortable as I was in my old room back in the old house, but worry not, I can still live with wide spaces.

As to the reason why I’m like this… it’s probably because of my introvertedness which I would talk about some other time, and a personal past. To be honest, i don’t want to talk about it because of reasons. Let’s just say it made me this way. And for the past few years, (basically nearly  my whole life until now) I’ve lived in small places, be it a 20 sq. meter condominium, a bed spacer, a small room in a house I didn’t own, you name it. I guess I just got so used to it that it became a part of who I am.

Getting in closed spaces makes me feel secure. It makes me feel assured that I am safe and that I have a grasp at the immediate surroundings. It makes me feel that I know what I am looking at and what I can work with. I can control what happens in this small area that marks my territory, since I’m not a risk taker. I don’t like being unsure whether thing will turn out this way or that way. As I probably have stated in my other blog post, I’m a perfectionist. I like things prim and proper. I want things to go the way I like them to, and if it wouldn’t, then I’d rather not do them at all.

For those of you who are claustrophobic, I don’t know what you feel. If you’re kind enough, can you share your experiences to me? I’d like to know about what you experience being in closed-in spaces. You could probably message me or comment down below so I could read it. For those of you who are claustrophilic as well, whether you felt different or the same, tell me about it okay 🙂 .

Note to Self # 2: Perfection

I am a perfectionist. I think I am. When I do something, I want them to come out exactly as I envisioned them. Sometimes I may slack off, but it’s part of what I envisioned things would go.

At night I often think about what im gonna do for the whole day with precise timing. For example, at exactly 7:15, I will start to write this blog post. At 7:30, I shall eat dinner. Yeah, I know  it’s kind of normal, but I do this all the time. I’m quite a busy man… or teen, as you can see. And it is difficult because to be honest, it is very frustrating when I don’t achieve the perfection I envisioned.

Yes, I know, “Stop being a perfectionist then.” Easy to say, hard to accomplish. Why you say? Because whenever I think about no longer being  a perfectionist, at the back of my mind, I’m always in doubt. You can probably say I’m insecure of the future. I’m not a risk taker. I’d prefer to walk on a red carpet to the destination rather than taking a hike. And if such does not exist, then I’d rather not take the path at all.

I know, a lot of you guys are also perfectionists as well. I know that the slightest errors make you cringe. The urge to fix everything and put things in its place. I know I cannot apply  this to myself, but this might help you:

Think of perfectionism as a leash. A leash that secures you so you won’t get lost. However, it is also a leash that will keep you at bay forever.

 

Note to self #1: Negativity

One does not see an empty cup filled but sees a filled one emptied.

So let me take this time to talk a bit about myself. I assume that if you’re reading this, it’s either you have already read some if not most of my posts, or you have not even read a single one of them and is clueless of what I’m going to talk about. It’s okay, but I recommend you read some of my stories and poems so that you would better understand my point here.

As you may have noticed, I am into the horror genre. I love horror stories, books, movies, and even poems. But this interest of mine has something to do with myself. Yes I admit it, I’m a pessimist. My life wasn’t bad when I was a child, I wasn’t molested or anything. In fact, my life as a child has probably been better than many others. I have a loving family, caring friends,great educators, and I got all that I wanted without even having to ask for it. To tell you the truth, all this time, I’m confused as to why I’m such a negative person.

When I see something, I always notice the negative side, no matter how little. When I do something, it’s always the consequences that I think of. This is probably one of the reasons why I don’t have a lover right now. And I don’t think I will have in 30 years or so when I’m actually ready to build a family.

What does negativity give you? Some say nothing, sadness, all kinds of bad stuff. But you see, it’s not really my case. In fact, I can sometimes see this negativity as a blessing in disguise. It helps me to make sure that all my moves and decisions are safe.

If you think that you are like me, a negative, pessimistic, person… don’t worry too much about it. It’s who you are, accept yourself and life a live worth living.